The ISU regional office occupied the fourth floor of a building on Saint-Antoine Street that Harin had passed dozens of times without ever going inside. The building was the kind of functional Montreal architecture that did not announce itself: glass and pale concrete, designed to work rather than to be looked at, the kind of building that had conference rooms with adequate lighting and chairs that were almost comfortable and whiteboards that someone had partially erased and not fully finished erasing. She had spent enough time in federation offices across three countries to know the type.
She arrived at nine fifty-two, which was eight minutes early, which was how she arrived at everything that mattered.
The receptionist directed her down a carpeted corridor to a conference room at the far end. The door was partially open. She could hear voices inside, two of them, institutional in cadence, the kind of voices that had said these particular things in these particular sequences many times before and had developed a practiced neutrality about it. Neither of the voices was Casimir Renner's.
She paused outside for approximately three seconds. This was not hesitation. It was the amount of time it took to complete her read of the audible situation before walking into the visual one. Then she pushed the door open and went in.
The senior coordinating director was a man named Fontaine who she recognized from two prior seasons of official correspondence and one Grand Prix banquet at which they had exchanged roughly forty words, mostly about the technical scoring revisions from the previous Olympic cycle. He was the kind of federation official who had been doing this long enough to have stopped being surprised by anything, which Harin found more reassuring than enthusiasm. The second person was a technical officer she had not encountered before, with a tablet open on the table in front of her and a binder marked with the current season's series logo.
Casimir Renner was already seated across the table, Coach Mira Voss beside him.
He looked the way he always looked in professional settings: composed and easy in the room, present in the specific way that Harin had never been able to account for in purely technical terms. He was wearing a dark jacket over a gray shirt and his hair was doing the thing it did in photographs, where it looked like it had been casually arranged by someone with good instincts and might equally have arranged itself. She had seen him in enough varied contexts across three seasons to know this was not a performance. He actually looked like that.
He met her eyes when she entered. He did not smile, which she noticed because he almost always smiled in professional situations. Not the golden boy performance smile, which she had also cataloged and could recognize, but the smaller, genuine one he deployed when something registered as actually pleasant. He deployed neither. He nodded.
She nodded.
She sat down on her side of the table. Coach Han settled in beside her.
Fontaine thanked them both for coming on short notice and acknowledged that neither of them would have chosen this circumstance, which was true and did not require either of them to respond to it, and neither of them did.
He began laying out the regulatory framework.
Harin had read it the previous night, the full document, including the annexes, including the two precedent cases from the last fifteen years in which the clause had been invoked and the specific conditions under which both applications had been approved. She had read it twice and made notes and then read the notes. She listened to Fontaine now anyway, because there was a difference between reading a regulatory framework alone at midnight and hearing it articulated by the person responsible for administering it, and she was interested in where he placed his emphasis and where he did not.
The emergency substitution clause: two registered solo skaters who had both lost their pairs partners to medical withdrawal within the same sixty-day window could apply to compete as a pairs team in the current season, subject to ISU approval and to meeting minimum training hours before their first competitive event. The clause had been invoked twice in fifteen years. Neither precedent had involved skaters at the competitive level she and Cas were currently at, which meant the ISU was in the position of making a judgment call on a situation their existing guidelines addressed in principle but had not been road-tested at this scale. She understood, from this, that they wanted this to work. That they had called both of them in within forty-eight hours of the injury reports arriving on Fontaine's desk suggested the same.
She filed this. Leverage, small and specific, was still leverage.
"The Grand Prix Final remains your target event," the technical officer said, consulting the tablet. "Based on both your existing qualification scores, you would need to compete in at least one Challenger Series event before the Final to meet the pairs scoring requirements. The earliest available slot is the Turin Challenger Series, seven weeks out."
"What's the minimum training hour requirement for ISU approval?" Harin asked.
The technical officer gave her the number. She wrote it down.
Seven weeks to Turin. She calculated it against what she knew about pairs training timelines, against what she knew about the specific technical gaps she would be working from zero on, against what she knew about how long it took two people to develop functional trust on ice when they were starting from a foundation of professional hostility rather than neutral ground. Seven weeks was not comfortable. It was enough.
"Regarding the coaching structure," Coach Mira said. Her Dutch accent compressed slightly on the word coaching, the precise compression of someone with strong opinions who was framing those opinions as a neutral question. "Are we operating as two separate coaching teams or a consolidated approach?"
"That is entirely at the discretion of the skaters and their respective coaches," Fontaine said. "The ISU has no structural requirement either way."
Coach Mira and Coach Han looked at each other across the table, briefly and without expression. It was the look of two professionals who had immediately and accurately identified each other as the primary source of friction in whatever the next ninety days were going to become.
Harin returned her attention to the document.
Fontaine and the technical officer stepped out after approximately twenty-five minutes, leaving the four of them with a summary document and a timeline for submitting the formal application if they chose to proceed. The door closed behind the ISU representatives with the particular quality of an institutional door closing, which sounded like everyone in the room was now responsible for whatever happened next.
The four of them sat with the document and the silence.
"I want to be clear about what I'm considering," Harin said. She addressed the table rather than any specific person, which was the most precise way to speak when what she was saying was directed at everyone and no one should mistake the direction. "The Grand Prix Final slot, if we qualify through Turin. One season. Whatever arrangement we build ends there."
"Agreed," Cas said. He also addressed the table. "One season. One objective."
"The training schedule needs to accommodate both individual programs," Coach Han said, uncapping his pen. "We cannot sacrifice the technical foundations of solo skating for pairs work. The component scores we're going to need at the Final will come from the same base elements either way."
"Agreed," Coach Mira said, which surprised Harin slightly, because she had expected Coach Mira to push on this point. She recalibrated: Coach Mira was not going to fight the battles she did not need to fight in the first meeting. She would be strategic. That was, Harin supposed, appropriate for someone who had coached at this level for as long as Coach Mira had.
"We will need to agree on a primary choreographer," Coach Han continued. "Someone both teams can work with. The program cannot be developed under two conflicting directional frameworks."
"I have some names," Coach Mira said.
"As do I," Coach Han said.
Another silence. The kind that meant this particular conversation would be continued elsewhere and at length.
Harin looked at the summary document. She had read it the previous night, or a version close enough to it that the formal copy held no surprises, but there was something about the physical object of a signed document, the weight of it, that made a thing different from the idea of a thing. Ninety days. The Turin Challenger. The Grand Prix Final in Fukuoka.
She looked up and found Cas watching her.
He was not watching her the way he watched cameras, which she had learned to distinguish because the difference was in what he was doing with his expression: cameras got the constructed version, the specific warmth and accessibility he had refined into something that looked effortless because it had cost a great deal of effort. He was not doing that now. He was watching her the way she watched ice quality before a session, with the kind of attention that was gathering information rather than performing anything.
He looked away when she met his gaze. Not quickly. Just at the natural pace of someone who had been looking at something and then found a reason to look at something else. He picked up his copy of the document and turned to the second page.
"I won't pretend I'm your first choice," he said. It was addressed to the document, or to the table, but she understood where it was directed.
"You're not," she said.
He nodded. He did not look wounded and he did not look defensive, which was either very good emotional regulation or a genuine absence of wound, and she did not have enough data yet to determine which.
"Okay." He looked up, directly at her this time. "But I'm the option that gets us both to the Final. So."
She held his gaze for a moment. He did not look away, and she did not, and the few seconds of that were the first moment in the morning that did not have the quality of a formal proceeding. Something more like two people taking the measure of something that was going to require measuring.
"So," she said.
She picked up a pen and turned to the document.
The formal application process took another forty-five minutes, most of which involved Coach Mira and Coach Han working through the specific breakdown of on-ice hours in the training schedule annex and disagreeing about the ratio in terms that were technical but also clearly about something more fundamental, which was the question of whose approach was going to define the program. Harin and Cas sat on their respective sides of the table. When a decision required their input, they gave it. When it did not, they waited.
At one point, while the two coaches were deep in a negotiation over the percentage split of individual versus pairs technical work in the first three weeks, Cas said quietly, low enough that only Harin could hear it across the table: "You read the clause before you came in."
It was not a question.
"Last night," she said, not looking up.
"What time?"
She looked up. "Why?"
He considered this for a moment, as if deciding whether the real answer was worth giving. "Because I read it at two in the morning and I was curious whether you had me beat."
"Midnight," she said.
He nodded. The expression on his face was the one she had identified as sitting somewhere between amusement and something else, something less easily named, and it did not resolve itself into either one before he looked back down at his copy of the document.
"Close," he said.
She returned to her own copy. Two seats down, Coach Han made a small, satisfied sound, which meant he had won whatever the current point was.
They signed the application at eleven forty-three.
Fontaine collected the paperwork and confirmed forty-eight hour processing. He said it with the practiced optimism of a man whose professional life consisted largely of managing unforeseen things, which lent the optimism a kind of credibility, because he had been managing unforeseen things for long enough to know which ones were actually manageable.
In the corridor afterward, the four of them stood in the particular social uncertainty of people who have committed to something significant and have not yet established the grammar of what comes next.
"Training begins Monday," Coach Mira said. "Montreal rink. Seven a.m."
Coach Han looked at Harin. "Acceptable?"
"Yes," she said.
Cas confirmed Monday, and then looked at Harin. Not at Coach Han, not at the general space. At her.
"Have a good rest of the week," he said.
It was the right thing to say in the circumstances, appropriate and professionally neutral. She knew this. She also noted that he said it to her specifically, with direct eye contact for the half second it took to say it.
"You too," she said.
In the elevator down, alone with Coach Han, she watched the floor numbers change and did not speak. He did not speak either. This was one of the things she valued most about him: he understood that her silences were working silences, and he did not interrupt them.
Outside on Saint-Antoine, Montreal was cold and clear and smelled of October, the specific combination of fallen leaves and city air and the first genuine chill that meant winter was not a distant possibility anymore. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment with her jacket collar up, letting the cold settle around her.
She knew how Casimir Renner skated. She had been watching him for three seasons with the precise attention she gave to anyone who was consistently ahead of her in dimensions she wanted to improve. His triple Axel was the cleanest on the current men's circuit and had been for two seasons. His step sequences were built around a musicality that seemed to run through his skating the way understanding ran through certain kinds of reasoning, not added on top but structurally present. And she knew what he had said at the Paris press event, and the way he had framed it, and the specific texture of why it had stayed with her: not because it was unkind, but because it was accurate, and because he had said it publicly, about something she was fixing privately and on her own schedule and in her own way.
She had not been planning to fix it with him.
She started walking toward the metro.
In forty-eight hours she would have the ISU approval. In four days she would be back at the rink with him, and the work of building something she had never built before with someone she had not chosen would begin.
The metro station entrance was half a block down. She descended the stairs into the warmth of the underground, the particular smell of it, the sound of a train arriving on the platform below. She found a seat on the train and opened her notebook, the small one she kept in her jacket pocket.
She wrote the date at the top of a new page.
Ninety days, she wrote.
Then she wrote: Read the ISU pairs technical handbook tonight. Lifts section first.
She underlined it twice.
The train moved. Montreal slid past the windows in its October light, the buildings and the bridges and the river catching the low afternoon sun and throwing it back in pieces. Harin read her meeting notes, cross-referenced them against the regulatory text she had in her memory from the night before, and began drafting questions for Coach Han: about the training structure, about the choreographer candidates, about the timeline between now and Turin that she intended to understand in precise detail before Monday morning.
She had ninety days and she intended to use every one of them.
She had always been good at using time. She had been good at it for so long that she had not noticed, until this past week, how much of that skill had been built around not needing anyone else to use it with.
The train moved. She wrote her questions. Outside the windows, the city did what cities in October did, which was go on being itself without requiring her input, and she let it.
Monday, she thought. Seven a.m.
She underlined the questions she most needed answered and turned to a fresh page.
That evening, after she had read the pairs technical handbook's lifts section twice and the spin section once and made three pages of notes, she sat at her kitchen table with a cup of tea she had not drunk and looked at the ceiling for a while.
She had, over the course of the day, thought about the Paris comment more than she intended to. Not because it was new material. It was not. She had been thinking about it in the background of her training for a season and a half, a low frequency hum beneath the more immediate work of fixing the step sequence and improving the component marks and doing all the things that were available to be done alone. What was different now was the context: the person who had said it was going to be at the Montreal rink on Monday at seven in the morning, and she was going to have to figure out what to do with that.
He had said she skated like she was afraid of her own music.
He had been right. She knew he had been right. That was not the problem. The problem was that he had said it as if it were a simple observation about a technical tendency rather than something she had been working very hard to address without anyone knowing she was working on it, and he had said it to a livestreamed press event with an audience she had not chosen to give that information to.
And then he had watched her, today, across a conference table, with the kind of attention that did not announce itself and did not require anything from her, and she had noticed it, and she was not sure what to do with the fact that she had noticed it.
She picked up her tea. It was cold.
She went to bed at eleven and lay in the dark for twenty minutes doing the arithmetic of the next ninety days: training hours, competition windows, technical requirements, the specific list of pairs elements she would need to develop competency in from a starting point of zero. She arranged them into a sequence that was logical and achievable and left no space for things she had not yet identified.
Then she lay there for another ten minutes thinking about things she had not yet identified.
She told herself this was planning. She was not entirely convinced.
She slept at eleven thirty-two.
You've reached the end of this chapter
The ISU regional office occupied the fourth floor of a building on Saint-Antoine Street that Harin had passed dozens of times without ever going inside. The building was the kind of functional Montreal architecture that did not announce itself: glass and pale concrete, designed to work rather than to be looked at, the kind of building that had conference rooms with adequate lighting and chairs that were almost comfortable and whiteboards that someone had partially erased and not fully finished erasing. She had spent enough time in federation offices across three countries to know the type.
She arrived at nine fifty-two, which was eight minutes early, which was how she arrived at everything that mattered.
The receptionist directed her down a carpeted corridor to a conference room at the far end. The door was partially open. She could hear voices inside, two of them, institutional in cadence, the kind of voices that had said these particular things in these particular sequences many times before and had developed a practiced neutrality about it. Neither of the voices was Casimir Renner's.
She paused outside for approximately three seconds. This was not hesitation. It was the amount of time it took to complete her read of the audible situation before walking into the visual one. Then she pushed the door open and went in.
The senior coordinating director was a man named Fontaine who she recognized from two prior seasons of official correspondence and one Grand Prix banquet at which they had exchanged roughly forty words, mostly about the technical scoring revisions from the previous Olympic cycle. He was the kind of federation official who had been doing this long enough to have stopped being surprised by anything, which Harin found more reassuring than enthusiasm. The second person was a technical officer she had not encountered before, with a tablet open on the table in front of her and a binder marked with the current season's series logo.
Casimir Renner was already seated across the table, Coach Mira Voss beside him.
He looked the way he always looked in professional settings: composed and easy in the room, present in the specific way that Harin had never been able to account for in purely technical terms. He was wearing a dark jacket over a gray shirt and his hair was doing the thing it did in photographs, where it looked like it had been casually arranged by someone with good instincts and might equally have arranged itself. She had seen him in enough varied contexts across three seasons to know this was not a performance. He actually looked like that.
He met her eyes when she entered. He did not smile, which she noticed because he almost always smiled in professional situations. Not the golden boy performance smile, which she had also cataloged and could recognize, but the smaller, genuine one he deployed when something registered as actually pleasant. He deployed neither. He nodded.
She nodded.
She sat down on her side of the table. Coach Han settled in beside her.
Fontaine thanked them both for coming on short notice and acknowledged that neither of them would have chosen this circumstance, which was true and did not require either of them to respond to it, and neither of them did.
He began laying out the regulatory framework.
Harin had read it the previous night, the full document, including the annexes, including the two precedent cases from the last fifteen years in which the clause had been invoked and the specific conditions under which both applications had been approved. She had read it twice and made notes and then read the notes. She listened to Fontaine now anyway, because there was a difference between reading a regulatory framework alone at midnight and hearing it articulated by the person responsible for administering it, and she was interested in where he placed his emphasis and where he did not.
The emergency substitution clause: two registered solo skaters who had both lost their pairs partners to medical withdrawal within the same sixty-day window could apply to compete as a pairs team in the current season, subject to ISU approval and to meeting minimum training hours before their first competitive event. The clause had been invoked twice in fifteen years. Neither precedent had involved skaters at the competitive level she and Cas were currently at, which meant the ISU was in the position of making a judgment call on a situation their existing guidelines addressed in principle but had not been road-tested at this scale. She understood, from this, that they wanted this to work. That they had called both of them in within forty-eight hours of the injury reports arriving on Fontaine's desk suggested the same.
She filed this. Leverage, small and specific, was still leverage.
"The Grand Prix Final remains your target event," the technical officer said, consulting the tablet. "Based on both your existing qualification scores, you would need to compete in at least one Challenger Series event before the Final to meet the pairs scoring requirements. The earliest available slot is the Turin Challenger Series, seven weeks out."
"What's the minimum training hour requirement for ISU approval?" Harin asked.
The technical officer gave her the number. She wrote it down.
Seven weeks to Turin. She calculated it against what she knew about pairs training timelines, against what she knew about the specific technical gaps she would be working from zero on, against what she knew about how long it took two people to develop functional trust on ice when they were starting from a foundation of professional hostility rather than neutral ground. Seven weeks was not comfortable. It was enough.
"Regarding the coaching structure," Coach Mira said. Her Dutch accent compressed slightly on the word coaching, the precise compression of someone with strong opinions who was framing those opinions as a neutral question. "Are we operating as two separate coaching teams or a consolidated approach?"
"That is entirely at the discretion of the skaters and their respective coaches," Fontaine said. "The ISU has no structural requirement either way."
Coach Mira and Coach Han looked at each other across the table, briefly and without expression. It was the look of two professionals who had immediately and accurately identified each other as the primary source of friction in whatever the next ninety days were going to become.
Harin returned her attention to the document.
Fontaine and the technical officer stepped out after approximately twenty-five minutes, leaving the four of them with a summary document and a timeline for submitting the formal application if they chose to proceed. The door closed behind the ISU representatives with the particular quality of an institutional door closing, which sounded like everyone in the room was now responsible for whatever happened next.
The four of them sat with the document and the silence.
"I want to be clear about what I'm considering," Harin said. She addressed the table rather than any specific person, which was the most precise way to speak when what she was saying was directed at everyone and no one should mistake the direction. "The Grand Prix Final slot, if we qualify through Turin. One season. Whatever arrangement we build ends there."
"Agreed," Cas said. He also addressed the table. "One season. One objective."
"The training schedule needs to accommodate both individual programs," Coach Han said, uncapping his pen. "We cannot sacrifice the technical foundations of solo skating for pairs work. The component scores we're going to need at the Final will come from the same base elements either way."
"Agreed," Coach Mira said, which surprised Harin slightly, because she had expected Coach Mira to push on this point. She recalibrated: Coach Mira was not going to fight the battles she did not need to fight in the first meeting. She would be strategic. That was, Harin supposed, appropriate for someone who had coached at this level for as long as Coach Mira had.
"We will need to agree on a primary choreographer," Coach Han continued. "Someone both teams can work with. The program cannot be developed under two conflicting directional frameworks."
"I have some names," Coach Mira said.
"As do I," Coach Han said.
Another silence. The kind that meant this particular conversation would be continued elsewhere and at length.
Harin looked at the summary document. She had read it the previous night, or a version close enough to it that the formal copy held no surprises, but there was something about the physical object of a signed document, the weight of it, that made a thing different from the idea of a thing. Ninety days. The Turin Challenger. The Grand Prix Final in Fukuoka.
She looked up and found Cas watching her.
He was not watching her the way he watched cameras, which she had learned to distinguish because the difference was in what he was doing with his expression: cameras got the constructed version, the specific warmth and accessibility he had refined into something that looked effortless because it had cost a great deal of effort. He was not doing that now. He was watching her the way she watched ice quality before a session, with the kind of attention that was gathering information rather than performing anything.
He looked away when she met his gaze. Not quickly. Just at the natural pace of someone who had been looking at something and then found a reason to look at something else. He picked up his copy of the document and turned to the second page.
"I won't pretend I'm your first choice," he said. It was addressed to the document, or to the table, but she understood where it was directed.
"You're not," she said.
He nodded. He did not look wounded and he did not look defensive, which was either very good emotional regulation or a genuine absence of wound, and she did not have enough data yet to determine which.
"Okay." He looked up, directly at her this time. "But I'm the option that gets us both to the Final. So."
She held his gaze for a moment. He did not look away, and she did not, and the few seconds of that were the first moment in the morning that did not have the quality of a formal proceeding. Something more like two people taking the measure of something that was going to require measuring.
"So," she said.
She picked up a pen and turned to the document.
The formal application process took another forty-five minutes, most of which involved Coach Mira and Coach Han working through the specific breakdown of on-ice hours in the training schedule annex and disagreeing about the ratio in terms that were technical but also clearly about something more fundamental, which was the question of whose approach was going to define the program. Harin and Cas sat on their respective sides of the table. When a decision required their input, they gave it. When it did not, they waited.
At one point, while the two coaches were deep in a negotiation over the percentage split of individual versus pairs technical work in the first three weeks, Cas said quietly, low enough that only Harin could hear it across the table: "You read the clause before you came in."
It was not a question.
"Last night," she said, not looking up.
"What time?"
She looked up. "Why?"
He considered this for a moment, as if deciding whether the real answer was worth giving. "Because I read it at two in the morning and I was curious whether you had me beat."
"Midnight," she said.
He nodded. The expression on his face was the one she had identified as sitting somewhere between amusement and something else, something less easily named, and it did not resolve itself into either one before he looked back down at his copy of the document.
"Close," he said.
She returned to her own copy. Two seats down, Coach Han made a small, satisfied sound, which meant he had won whatever the current point was.
They signed the application at eleven forty-three.
Fontaine collected the paperwork and confirmed forty-eight hour processing. He said it with the practiced optimism of a man whose professional life consisted largely of managing unforeseen things, which lent the optimism a kind of credibility, because he had been managing unforeseen things for long enough to know which ones were actually manageable.
In the corridor afterward, the four of them stood in the particular social uncertainty of people who have committed to something significant and have not yet established the grammar of what comes next.
"Training begins Monday," Coach Mira said. "Montreal rink. Seven a.m."
Coach Han looked at Harin. "Acceptable?"
"Yes," she said.
Cas confirmed Monday, and then looked at Harin. Not at Coach Han, not at the general space. At her.
"Have a good rest of the week," he said.
It was the right thing to say in the circumstances, appropriate and professionally neutral. She knew this. She also noted that he said it to her specifically, with direct eye contact for the half second it took to say it.
"You too," she said.
In the elevator down, alone with Coach Han, she watched the floor numbers change and did not speak. He did not speak either. This was one of the things she valued most about him: he understood that her silences were working silences, and he did not interrupt them.
Outside on Saint-Antoine, Montreal was cold and clear and smelled of October, the specific combination of fallen leaves and city air and the first genuine chill that meant winter was not a distant possibility anymore. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment with her jacket collar up, letting the cold settle around her.
She knew how Casimir Renner skated. She had been watching him for three seasons with the precise attention she gave to anyone who was consistently ahead of her in dimensions she wanted to improve. His triple Axel was the cleanest on the current men's circuit and had been for two seasons. His step sequences were built around a musicality that seemed to run through his skating the way understanding ran through certain kinds of reasoning, not added on top but structurally present. And she knew what he had said at the Paris press event, and the way he had framed it, and the specific texture of why it had stayed with her: not because it was unkind, but because it was accurate, and because he had said it publicly, about something she was fixing privately and on her own schedule and in her own way.
She had not been planning to fix it with him.
She started walking toward the metro.
In forty-eight hours she would have the ISU approval. In four days she would be back at the rink with him, and the work of building something she had never built before with someone she had not chosen would begin.
The metro station entrance was half a block down. She descended the stairs into the warmth of the underground, the particular smell of it, the sound of a train arriving on the platform below. She found a seat on the train and opened her notebook, the small one she kept in her jacket pocket.
She wrote the date at the top of a new page.
Ninety days, she wrote.
Then she wrote: Read the ISU pairs technical handbook tonight. Lifts section first.
She underlined it twice.
The train moved. Montreal slid past the windows in its October light, the buildings and the bridges and the river catching the low afternoon sun and throwing it back in pieces. Harin read her meeting notes, cross-referenced them against the regulatory text she had in her memory from the night before, and began drafting questions for Coach Han: about the training structure, about the choreographer candidates, about the timeline between now and Turin that she intended to understand in precise detail before Monday morning.
She had ninety days and she intended to use every one of them.
She had always been good at using time. She had been good at it for so long that she had not noticed, until this past week, how much of that skill had been built around not needing anyone else to use it with.
The train moved. She wrote her questions. Outside the windows, the city did what cities in October did, which was go on being itself without requiring her input, and she let it.
Monday, she thought. Seven a.m.
She underlined the questions she most needed answered and turned to a fresh page.
That evening, after she had read the pairs technical handbook's lifts section twice and the spin section once and made three pages of notes, she sat at her kitchen table with a cup of tea she had not drunk and looked at the ceiling for a while.
She had, over the course of the day, thought about the Paris comment more than she intended to. Not because it was new material. It was not. She had been thinking about it in the background of her training for a season and a half, a low frequency hum beneath the more immediate work of fixing the step sequence and improving the component marks and doing all the things that were available to be done alone. What was different now was the context: the person who had said it was going to be at the Montreal rink on Monday at seven in the morning, and she was going to have to figure out what to do with that.
He had said she skated like she was afraid of her own music.
He had been right. She knew he had been right. That was not the problem. The problem was that he had said it as if it were a simple observation about a technical tendency rather than something she had been working very hard to address without anyone knowing she was working on it, and he had said it to a livestreamed press event with an audience she had not chosen to give that information to.
And then he had watched her, today, across a conference table, with the kind of attention that did not announce itself and did not require anything from her, and she had noticed it, and she was not sure what to do with the fact that she had noticed it.
She picked up her tea. It was cold.
She went to bed at eleven and lay in the dark for twenty minutes doing the arithmetic of the next ninety days: training hours, competition windows, technical requirements, the specific list of pairs elements she would need to develop competency in from a starting point of zero. She arranged them into a sequence that was logical and achievable and left no space for things she had not yet identified.
Then she lay there for another ten minutes thinking about things she had not yet identified.
She told herself this was planning. She was not entirely convinced.
She slept at eleven thirty-two.
You've reached the end of this chapter