Chapter 06

Chapter 6: Our First Night

Chapter 6: Our First Night

She stands at the window for a long time.

I let her.

This is not patience in the conventional sense — patience implies waiting for something to resolve itself, and I am not waiting. I am observing. There is a difference. She is standing with her back to the room in the black dress with the sea outside and the two lamps doing their work on the limestone walls, and she is very still in the specific way of someone who has decided that stillness is the safest posture available to them. I understand this. I have used this posture myself, in rooms that required it.

I take off my jacket. Fold it over the chair near the door. Uncuff my sleeves, once on each side.

She still does not turn.

There is one bed. This was not a surprise to either of us — Elena had briefed me that she had explained the household rule, and I had seen, in the set of Millicent's shoulders during the reception, the moment when the reality of it landed. She absorbed it the way she absorbs everything: without visible reaction, with the internal adjustment that I am beginning to recognize as her particular method of surviving things.

It is a large bed. I chose this room for that reason, among others. The sea view. The distance from the main corridor, which tends to have foot traffic from the household staff until late. The size of the bed, which was the minimum I could offer, and which I had noted in the mental file I have been building since Monaco and which is becoming, I acknowledge privately, a more detailed file than strictly necessary.

I move to the far side of the room. Open the armoire, take out what I need for the night. I am doing this with my back to her — deliberately, the same consideration she is showing me, the silent agreement that we will not watch each other do the private things.

"I need you to —" she starts, and stops.

I turn.

She is still at the window but she has half-turned toward me, her chin angled slightly down, the expression on her face the one I have started to identify as the one she uses when she is about to say something that requires effort. "I need you to not be in the room for five minutes," she says. "While I change."

I look at her.

The request is straightforward. The effort it took to make it is also straightforward, if you are paying attention. She has been stripped of most of the controls she usually operates with — her city, her building, her floor, her routines, her door that locks from the inside because she is the only one who lives there. She has one left, in this room, in this moment, and she is asking for it.

"Five minutes," I say.

I take my things and I go to the bathroom and I close the door and I give her ten.

---

When I return she is in bed.

On the far left side of it, as far as the geometry of the mattress permits, with the duvet pulled to her chin and her eyes on the ceiling and the particular quality of alertness in her stillness that tells me she is very aware that I have come back into the room.

I look at the bed. At the expanse of it. At the fact that she has taken approximately thirty percent of a mattress that is more than large enough for two people who have mutually agreed to treat it as a neutral border.

I turn off the lamp on my side. Get into bed.

She does not move.

I do not move.

The room is dark except for the ambient light coming through the curtains — the compound grounds, the distant sea, the particular darkness of a Sicilian night that is never fully black. I can hear the water. I can hear her breathing, which is the slow deliberate breathing of someone who is trying to breathe normally and is aware of trying.

I am also aware of trying.

Three minutes pass. Perhaps four.

I am aware of him with every part of my body that is capable of awareness.

This is not what I expected. I had prepared for proximity as a logistical problem — the practical management of shared space, the negotiation of routines, the establishment of clear territories within the physical boundaries of a room. I had not prepared for the specific quality of being aware of another person in the dark. The warmth that exists across three feet of mattress. The slight adjustment of the bed when he got in, the redistribution of weight. The sound of his breathing, which is very even, slower than I would expect from someone who is in the same position I am, which is lying in the dark in a strange room on the first night of a marriage neither of them chose.

Unless he is actually sleeping. Unless he has, in fact, managed to fall asleep within the first four minutes, which would be either an admirable display of control or evidence that this situation is considerably less charged for him than it is for me, and I am not sure which possibility irritates me more.

He is not asleep. I can tell by the quality of his stillness, which is the stillness of someone who is choosing it, not the stillness of someone who has relinquished consciousness. I know this because I know this particular stillness very well. I perform it myself.

We are both lying here pretending.

I think about the hand at my back. The way it had stayed — past the moment the kiss ended, past the moment it needed to for anyone watching, into the territory of something that was not performance anymore. I have been thinking about this since it happened and have been unable to file it correctly, which means I need more information, and the information I need is not available to me tonight.

I think about giving him ten minutes of privacy and hearing, through the bathroom door, nothing at all — no movement, no sound, just the specific silence of a man who is also very good at being still.

I think about the floor, which he gave me without discussion, without making a point of it, without requiring acknowledgment. I am aware that he gave it to me. I am aware that this is information. I do not know yet what kind.

"The duvet," she says.

I look at the ceiling.

"It's on your side," she says.

I look down. The duvet is, in fact, distributed asymmetrically — more of it on my side than hers, which is the result of how it was folded when the household staff made the bed and which I had not noticed until this moment.

I shift it toward the center.

Silence.

Then: "That's still not —"

"Take what you need," I say.

A pause. She takes a portion of the duvet. I feel the shift of it across the mattress, the small redistribution of weight and warmth. Then stillness again, both of us in our respective thirty percent, the duvet a disputed border between us.

I close my eyes.

I do not sleep.

The room settles around us. The compound has gone quiet in the way it goes quiet after midnight, when the last of the household staff have retired and the security rotation has completed its first pass and the old limestone walls do what they have always done, which is absorb the lives being lived inside them with complete indifference. This house has absorbed marriages before. Accardi marriages, which are not the same as other people's marriages, contracted under different terms and held together by different forces. Lorenzo and Elena were strangers in a bed like this one once. They are not strangers now.

I think about this more than I expected to.

The duvet situation has reached an uneasy equilibrium. I can feel the warmth of it on my side and I am aware, with the awareness I have for spatial information, that there are approximately three feet between us, which is more distance than most beds of this size would permit and which we are both, separately, working to maintain. It requires a specific kind of concentrated effort to be still. To not move toward the center in the unconscious way bodies move toward warmth when they have been awake for nineteen hours and have spent most of those hours performing a version of themselves they find exhausting.

I have been performing a version of myself since Monaco. The controlled version, the one that gives nothing away, the one that sits across tables and walks down corridors and says things like *try not to murder me tonight* in the tone of someone who is neither threatened nor hoping for anything. This version is not false, exactly. It is a selection. A curated set of the things I actually am, with the rest held back at the boundary where I have always held things back.

She does the same thing. I have been watching her do it since the moment she walked into a room in Monaco twelve minutes late and did not apologize for it. We are, in this specific way, very similar, and this similarity is either going to make the next year efficient or combustible and possibly both.

---

The problem with not sleeping is that it leaves you with nothing to do but think, and thinking in this particular context means thinking about the specific warmth emanating from the left side of the bed, which is present even across the expanse of the disputed duvet, and about the quality of her breathing, which has not slowed into sleep and is therefore telling me that she is also not sleeping, which means we are both lying here in the dark being deliberately still and pretending to a state we have not reached.

I think about the wedding.

Specifically I think about the vows and the line where her voice thinned. I have been thinking about this intermittently since it happened, in the background of every other thing the evening required of me, and I am thinking about it now with the full attention that everything else has stopped competing for. *In sickness and in strength.* The Darmos addition. Her grandmother's insistence, through fifty years of family weddings, that the word *strength* be included alongside the word *sickness* — because a woman who came from that family, who married into mafia, needed the reminder that the vow was not only for the hard things but also for the good ones.

She had said it and something in it had come too close and she had pulled it back in time for the room not to notice.

I noticed.

I think about Lorenzo's instruction. *Try not to make her miserable.* I think about what miserable means in practice — whether it means the obvious things, the things I had already ruled out as a matter of principle, or whether it means the smaller things, the compression of space and autonomy and the careful management of someone who has spent twenty-five years building walls that are load-bearing. Whether miserable is something I could cause by intention or whether it is something I could cause accidentally, by proximity alone, by simply being the kind of person I am in the same room as the kind of person she is.

This is a more complicated question than I want it to be.

I think about her at the window. The back of her, the black dress, the stillness. The effort of asking me to leave while she changed, which was an effort I understood and honored because I understood it, because I know what it costs to ask for things when you have spent years learning not to ask for things.

I gave her ten minutes instead of five. She did not comment on this. I did not explain it.

We are, I think, going to develop an entire vocabulary of things we understand about each other without saying. I find this, unexpectedly, not unpleasant.

Two in the morning passes. Then three.

---

Somewhere past three I get out of bed.

She is finally asleep — the breathing has shifted, become unmanaged, the small unconscious adjustments of a body that has stopped monitoring itself. I wait until I am certain and then I sit up slowly, careful not to disturb the mattress more than necessary, and I get up.

The blanket from the armoire. The floor on my side, near the window, where the boards are smooth and the rug is thick enough to function as minimal padding. I have slept in worse places. I have slept in considerably worse places under considerably worse conditions. This is fine.

I lie on the floor in the dark and look at the ceiling and listen to the sea.

I think about why I did this — got up instead of staying. The bed is large enough. She was asleep and would not have known. The Sicilian tradition says we share the bed, and I have never had much patience for rules I find arbitrary, but I follow this one because I understand its function. Shared space builds shared life. It is architecture, not sentiment.

And yet.

The answer, if I am honest with myself in the dark at three in the morning in a way I would not be honest with myself at any other hour, is simple: she would have known in the morning. She would have known that I stayed, and she would have thought about why I stayed, and the thinking would have made her more wary, not less. She has enough to manage tonight without also managing the fact of my proximity while she was unconscious.

I gave her the bed.

I do not know why this feels significant. I note that it does.

I lie on the floor and look at the ceiling and inventory the ways this day was not what I expected.

I expected an adversary in a dress. I received a woman who asked to be given five minutes of privacy and then got into bed and fought me for the duvet and lost and did not comment on losing, which is its own form of dignity. I expected cold hostility — I have been in rooms with her cold hostility and I know its texture, the particular temperature of it. What I got instead was something more nuanced, which is the hostility running alongside something else, something that surfaces when she thinks I am not paying attention.

She was paying attention when I had the flowers removed. I know because I felt it — the shift in the quality of her attention from across the room, the recalibration. She was building a file on me the same way I have been building one on her, and something about the flowers went into the file in a column I have not yet identified.

She has been building a file since Monaco. Possibly before. The photograph I found in her father's dossier, the one Lorenzo had prepared for the negotiation, was taken outside her publishing house. I have looked at that photograph more times than I will admit. I have looked at it and tried to read the quality of her attention directed at a phone screen and found that I cannot, fully, which is unusual. I can read most people. She is not most people.

I gave her ten minutes instead of five and she said nothing and I said nothing and we both know that I gave her ten minutes instead of five and we have an entire vocabulary of things like this between us already, after one day. I wonder what the vocabulary looks like in a year.

I wonder if there will be a year.

The contract says one year minimum. After that, mutual agreement. I have never been a man who operates on minimums — I find them aesthetically dissatisfying, the idea of doing only what is required and stopping there. But I also do not assume. I do not build toward things that have not indicated they want to be built toward.

She is three feet away and asleep and I am on the floor by choice and tomorrow we will have to work out how to be people who share a house, and that is enough to be going on with.

---

Four in the morning. The sea is doing something quiet and rhythmic that has nothing to do with me or with her or with any of this.

I hear her shift. Then the specific stillness of someone who has woken and is orienting themselves in an unfamiliar room. A pause while she registers the ceiling, the light, the sound of the sea. A longer pause while she registers the empty half of the bed beside her.

Then, softly, into the dark:

"Costantino."

Not alarmed. Not a question, quite. The sound of my name in her voice at four in the morning when she thinks she might be alone — something about this lands in my chest in a way I was not prepared for and do not immediately know what to do with.

"Here," I say. From the floor. Without moving.

A pause.

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"Sleeping."

"You're not sleeping. You answered me."

"I was sleeping," I say, which is a lie, and she probably knows it is a lie, and neither of us addresses this. "Go back to sleep, Millicent."

Silence. Long enough that I think she is going to ask more questions, or say something else, or do one of the several things she does when a situation calls for a response and she is deciding which one to deploy.

She doesn't.

The sound of her settling. The particular quiet of someone who has decided to accept what is in front of them, for now, and deal with the rest in the morning.

"Costantino."

I do not turn. "Sleep, Millicent."

A breath. Then: nothing. The breathing shifts, slows, becomes the unmanaged rhythm of sleep.

I listen to it for a long time.

She said my name. Not *Mr. Accardi*, not *husband* with the slight edge she has given the word every time she has used it. My name. In the dark, at four in the morning, before she was fully awake and therefore before she had fully decided whether to give it or not.

I file this.

I do not sleep. But the not-sleeping is, for the first time tonight, comfortable. The sea is still going. The ceiling is still there. My wife is asleep in the bed six feet away and I am on the floor of my own room by choice and this is, I think, the most honest thing I have done in some time.

Dawn comes slowly in Sicily. Pink first at the edge of the curtains, then gold, then the full light that has no patience for the dark things that grew in the night.

I am still on the floor when it arrives.

I do not mind.

You've reached the end of this chapter

Chapter 06

Chapter 6: Our First Night

Chapter 6: Our First Night

She stands at the window for a long time.

I let her.

This is not patience in the conventional sense — patience implies waiting for something to resolve itself, and I am not waiting. I am observing. There is a difference. She is standing with her back to the room in the black dress with the sea outside and the two lamps doing their work on the limestone walls, and she is very still in the specific way of someone who has decided that stillness is the safest posture available to them. I understand this. I have used this posture myself, in rooms that required it.

I take off my jacket. Fold it over the chair near the door. Uncuff my sleeves, once on each side.

She still does not turn.

There is one bed. This was not a surprise to either of us — Elena had briefed me that she had explained the household rule, and I had seen, in the set of Millicent's shoulders during the reception, the moment when the reality of it landed. She absorbed it the way she absorbs everything: without visible reaction, with the internal adjustment that I am beginning to recognize as her particular method of surviving things.

It is a large bed. I chose this room for that reason, among others. The sea view. The distance from the main corridor, which tends to have foot traffic from the household staff until late. The size of the bed, which was the minimum I could offer, and which I had noted in the mental file I have been building since Monaco and which is becoming, I acknowledge privately, a more detailed file than strictly necessary.

I move to the far side of the room. Open the armoire, take out what I need for the night. I am doing this with my back to her — deliberately, the same consideration she is showing me, the silent agreement that we will not watch each other do the private things.

"I need you to —" she starts, and stops.

I turn.

She is still at the window but she has half-turned toward me, her chin angled slightly down, the expression on her face the one I have started to identify as the one she uses when she is about to say something that requires effort. "I need you to not be in the room for five minutes," she says. "While I change."

I look at her.

The request is straightforward. The effort it took to make it is also straightforward, if you are paying attention. She has been stripped of most of the controls she usually operates with — her city, her building, her floor, her routines, her door that locks from the inside because she is the only one who lives there. She has one left, in this room, in this moment, and she is asking for it.

"Five minutes," I say.

I take my things and I go to the bathroom and I close the door and I give her ten.

---

When I return she is in bed.

On the far left side of it, as far as the geometry of the mattress permits, with the duvet pulled to her chin and her eyes on the ceiling and the particular quality of alertness in her stillness that tells me she is very aware that I have come back into the room.

I look at the bed. At the expanse of it. At the fact that she has taken approximately thirty percent of a mattress that is more than large enough for two people who have mutually agreed to treat it as a neutral border.

I turn off the lamp on my side. Get into bed.

She does not move.

I do not move.

The room is dark except for the ambient light coming through the curtains — the compound grounds, the distant sea, the particular darkness of a Sicilian night that is never fully black. I can hear the water. I can hear her breathing, which is the slow deliberate breathing of someone who is trying to breathe normally and is aware of trying.

I am also aware of trying.

Three minutes pass. Perhaps four.

I am aware of him with every part of my body that is capable of awareness.

This is not what I expected. I had prepared for proximity as a logistical problem — the practical management of shared space, the negotiation of routines, the establishment of clear territories within the physical boundaries of a room. I had not prepared for the specific quality of being aware of another person in the dark. The warmth that exists across three feet of mattress. The slight adjustment of the bed when he got in, the redistribution of weight. The sound of his breathing, which is very even, slower than I would expect from someone who is in the same position I am, which is lying in the dark in a strange room on the first night of a marriage neither of them chose.

Unless he is actually sleeping. Unless he has, in fact, managed to fall asleep within the first four minutes, which would be either an admirable display of control or evidence that this situation is considerably less charged for him than it is for me, and I am not sure which possibility irritates me more.

He is not asleep. I can tell by the quality of his stillness, which is the stillness of someone who is choosing it, not the stillness of someone who has relinquished consciousness. I know this because I know this particular stillness very well. I perform it myself.

We are both lying here pretending.

I think about the hand at my back. The way it had stayed — past the moment the kiss ended, past the moment it needed to for anyone watching, into the territory of something that was not performance anymore. I have been thinking about this since it happened and have been unable to file it correctly, which means I need more information, and the information I need is not available to me tonight.

I think about giving him ten minutes of privacy and hearing, through the bathroom door, nothing at all — no movement, no sound, just the specific silence of a man who is also very good at being still.

I think about the floor, which he gave me without discussion, without making a point of it, without requiring acknowledgment. I am aware that he gave it to me. I am aware that this is information. I do not know yet what kind.

"The duvet," she says.

I look at the ceiling.

"It's on your side," she says.

I look down. The duvet is, in fact, distributed asymmetrically — more of it on my side than hers, which is the result of how it was folded when the household staff made the bed and which I had not noticed until this moment.

I shift it toward the center.

Silence.

Then: "That's still not —"

"Take what you need," I say.

A pause. She takes a portion of the duvet. I feel the shift of it across the mattress, the small redistribution of weight and warmth. Then stillness again, both of us in our respective thirty percent, the duvet a disputed border between us.

I close my eyes.

I do not sleep.

The room settles around us. The compound has gone quiet in the way it goes quiet after midnight, when the last of the household staff have retired and the security rotation has completed its first pass and the old limestone walls do what they have always done, which is absorb the lives being lived inside them with complete indifference. This house has absorbed marriages before. Accardi marriages, which are not the same as other people's marriages, contracted under different terms and held together by different forces. Lorenzo and Elena were strangers in a bed like this one once. They are not strangers now.

I think about this more than I expected to.

The duvet situation has reached an uneasy equilibrium. I can feel the warmth of it on my side and I am aware, with the awareness I have for spatial information, that there are approximately three feet between us, which is more distance than most beds of this size would permit and which we are both, separately, working to maintain. It requires a specific kind of concentrated effort to be still. To not move toward the center in the unconscious way bodies move toward warmth when they have been awake for nineteen hours and have spent most of those hours performing a version of themselves they find exhausting.

I have been performing a version of myself since Monaco. The controlled version, the one that gives nothing away, the one that sits across tables and walks down corridors and says things like *try not to murder me tonight* in the tone of someone who is neither threatened nor hoping for anything. This version is not false, exactly. It is a selection. A curated set of the things I actually am, with the rest held back at the boundary where I have always held things back.

She does the same thing. I have been watching her do it since the moment she walked into a room in Monaco twelve minutes late and did not apologize for it. We are, in this specific way, very similar, and this similarity is either going to make the next year efficient or combustible and possibly both.

---

The problem with not sleeping is that it leaves you with nothing to do but think, and thinking in this particular context means thinking about the specific warmth emanating from the left side of the bed, which is present even across the expanse of the disputed duvet, and about the quality of her breathing, which has not slowed into sleep and is therefore telling me that she is also not sleeping, which means we are both lying here in the dark being deliberately still and pretending to a state we have not reached.

I think about the wedding.

Specifically I think about the vows and the line where her voice thinned. I have been thinking about this intermittently since it happened, in the background of every other thing the evening required of me, and I am thinking about it now with the full attention that everything else has stopped competing for. *In sickness and in strength.* The Darmos addition. Her grandmother's insistence, through fifty years of family weddings, that the word *strength* be included alongside the word *sickness* — because a woman who came from that family, who married into mafia, needed the reminder that the vow was not only for the hard things but also for the good ones.

She had said it and something in it had come too close and she had pulled it back in time for the room not to notice.

I noticed.

I think about Lorenzo's instruction. *Try not to make her miserable.* I think about what miserable means in practice — whether it means the obvious things, the things I had already ruled out as a matter of principle, or whether it means the smaller things, the compression of space and autonomy and the careful management of someone who has spent twenty-five years building walls that are load-bearing. Whether miserable is something I could cause by intention or whether it is something I could cause accidentally, by proximity alone, by simply being the kind of person I am in the same room as the kind of person she is.

This is a more complicated question than I want it to be.

I think about her at the window. The back of her, the black dress, the stillness. The effort of asking me to leave while she changed, which was an effort I understood and honored because I understood it, because I know what it costs to ask for things when you have spent years learning not to ask for things.

I gave her ten minutes instead of five. She did not comment on this. I did not explain it.

We are, I think, going to develop an entire vocabulary of things we understand about each other without saying. I find this, unexpectedly, not unpleasant.

Two in the morning passes. Then three.

---

Somewhere past three I get out of bed.

She is finally asleep — the breathing has shifted, become unmanaged, the small unconscious adjustments of a body that has stopped monitoring itself. I wait until I am certain and then I sit up slowly, careful not to disturb the mattress more than necessary, and I get up.

The blanket from the armoire. The floor on my side, near the window, where the boards are smooth and the rug is thick enough to function as minimal padding. I have slept in worse places. I have slept in considerably worse places under considerably worse conditions. This is fine.

I lie on the floor in the dark and look at the ceiling and listen to the sea.

I think about why I did this — got up instead of staying. The bed is large enough. She was asleep and would not have known. The Sicilian tradition says we share the bed, and I have never had much patience for rules I find arbitrary, but I follow this one because I understand its function. Shared space builds shared life. It is architecture, not sentiment.

And yet.

The answer, if I am honest with myself in the dark at three in the morning in a way I would not be honest with myself at any other hour, is simple: she would have known in the morning. She would have known that I stayed, and she would have thought about why I stayed, and the thinking would have made her more wary, not less. She has enough to manage tonight without also managing the fact of my proximity while she was unconscious.

I gave her the bed.

I do not know why this feels significant. I note that it does.

I lie on the floor and look at the ceiling and inventory the ways this day was not what I expected.

I expected an adversary in a dress. I received a woman who asked to be given five minutes of privacy and then got into bed and fought me for the duvet and lost and did not comment on losing, which is its own form of dignity. I expected cold hostility — I have been in rooms with her cold hostility and I know its texture, the particular temperature of it. What I got instead was something more nuanced, which is the hostility running alongside something else, something that surfaces when she thinks I am not paying attention.

She was paying attention when I had the flowers removed. I know because I felt it — the shift in the quality of her attention from across the room, the recalibration. She was building a file on me the same way I have been building one on her, and something about the flowers went into the file in a column I have not yet identified.

She has been building a file since Monaco. Possibly before. The photograph I found in her father's dossier, the one Lorenzo had prepared for the negotiation, was taken outside her publishing house. I have looked at that photograph more times than I will admit. I have looked at it and tried to read the quality of her attention directed at a phone screen and found that I cannot, fully, which is unusual. I can read most people. She is not most people.

I gave her ten minutes instead of five and she said nothing and I said nothing and we both know that I gave her ten minutes instead of five and we have an entire vocabulary of things like this between us already, after one day. I wonder what the vocabulary looks like in a year.

I wonder if there will be a year.

The contract says one year minimum. After that, mutual agreement. I have never been a man who operates on minimums — I find them aesthetically dissatisfying, the idea of doing only what is required and stopping there. But I also do not assume. I do not build toward things that have not indicated they want to be built toward.

She is three feet away and asleep and I am on the floor by choice and tomorrow we will have to work out how to be people who share a house, and that is enough to be going on with.

---

Four in the morning. The sea is doing something quiet and rhythmic that has nothing to do with me or with her or with any of this.

I hear her shift. Then the specific stillness of someone who has woken and is orienting themselves in an unfamiliar room. A pause while she registers the ceiling, the light, the sound of the sea. A longer pause while she registers the empty half of the bed beside her.

Then, softly, into the dark:

"Costantino."

Not alarmed. Not a question, quite. The sound of my name in her voice at four in the morning when she thinks she might be alone — something about this lands in my chest in a way I was not prepared for and do not immediately know what to do with.

"Here," I say. From the floor. Without moving.

A pause.

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"Sleeping."

"You're not sleeping. You answered me."

"I was sleeping," I say, which is a lie, and she probably knows it is a lie, and neither of us addresses this. "Go back to sleep, Millicent."

Silence. Long enough that I think she is going to ask more questions, or say something else, or do one of the several things she does when a situation calls for a response and she is deciding which one to deploy.

She doesn't.

The sound of her settling. The particular quiet of someone who has decided to accept what is in front of them, for now, and deal with the rest in the morning.

"Costantino."

I do not turn. "Sleep, Millicent."

A breath. Then: nothing. The breathing shifts, slows, becomes the unmanaged rhythm of sleep.

I listen to it for a long time.

She said my name. Not *Mr. Accardi*, not *husband* with the slight edge she has given the word every time she has used it. My name. In the dark, at four in the morning, before she was fully awake and therefore before she had fully decided whether to give it or not.

I file this.

I do not sleep. But the not-sleeping is, for the first time tonight, comfortable. The sea is still going. The ceiling is still there. My wife is asleep in the bed six feet away and I am on the floor of my own room by choice and this is, I think, the most honest thing I have done in some time.

Dawn comes slowly in Sicily. Pink first at the edge of the curtains, then gold, then the full light that has no patience for the dark things that grew in the night.

I am still on the floor when it arrives.

I do not mind.

You've reached the end of this chapter