Three days passed before Lucas came by again in person, having respected Mia's need for space with a discipline that felt, to her, almost more painful than if he'd simply pushed. In those three days, the apartment building had settled into a strange, muted version of itself -- no wind chime clinking outside a balcony door, no impromptu dinners, no easy footsteps crossing the hallway at odd hours, no cat wandering freely between the two apartments the way he'd once done without asking permission from anyone. Mia noticed the absence everywhere, in the too-quiet mornings, in the coffee she now made only for herself, in the specific hollowness of a home that had, without her quite realizing it, expanded to include another person's presence and had now contracted painfully back to just her own. He knocked at seven, on schedule for the feeding rotation they'd built together weeks earlier, and Mia opened the door only a few inches, Barnaby already gathered in her arms, the handoff clearly planned to take no more than a few seconds.
"Hey," Lucas said, careful, searching what little of her face he could see through the narrow gap in the doorway. "How are you doing?"
"Fine." The word came out flat, deliberately so, a wall constructed entirely out of a single syllable, nothing more offered behind it. "Here he is. He's eaten already, so that's taken care of."
"Thank you." Lucas took the carrier from her, his fingers brushing hers briefly at the handle, and she withdrew her hand almost immediately, before the contact registered, quick and clean, no lingering. "Mia, can we talk? Actually talk, not just the handoff, please."
"I don't think there's anything to talk about." Her voice had gone smooth, pleasant, entirely unreadable, the specific, practiced calm of someone who had learned, a long time ago, that going quiet was safer than staying breakable in front of someone who might hurt her again. "You explained yourself. I heard you. There's nothing else that needs saying."
"That's not true, and you know it isn't."
"It's true enough for right now." She began to close the door, and he caught it gently, not forcing it open, just holding it a moment longer than she wanted, his expression carrying a quiet desperation he rarely allowed himself to show.
"Please. I know I hurt you. I'm not trying to pretend I didn't. I just don't want to lose whatever this was over one bad night." His voice had dropped, rougher than his usual measured tone, the careful composure he wore like armor cracking visibly at the edges, some rawer version of him showing through for just a moment before he caught himself and pulled it back into something steadier.
"I'm not trying to punish you, Lucas." Her voice was still even, still careful, giving away nothing. "I just don't have it in me right now to keep having this conversation. I need to focus on my work. I have a deadline."
It wasn't entirely a lie. It also wasn't the whole truth, and both of them seemed to sense the gap between the two without either of them naming it directly.
"Okay," he said finally, releasing the door. "I'll see you at the next feeding."
"Sure." She closed the door before he'd fully turned away, and stood in her entryway for a long moment afterward, Barnaby's absence from her arms leaving them oddly, unpleasantly empty, refusing to let herself examine the ache spreading slowly through her chest.
She went back to her drafting table afterward, determined to lose herself in work the way she always had before Lucas Vance had complicated the simple, self-sufficient rhythm of her days, but found the fox illustration blurring in front of her, her concentration fractured by the specific, persistent replay of his voice through the narrow gap in her door -- please, I don't want to lose whatever this was. She'd meant every word of her own careful deflection. She hadn't expected it to cost quite this much to say.
She texted Priya that night, unable to sit with the ache alone any longer.
MIA: I think I just closed a door on him. Not officially. But it felt official.
PRIYA: are you okay
MIA: I don't know. I don't think so. But I also don't know how to be anything other than careful right now
PRIYA: careful and closed off aren't always the same thing, mia. sometimes closed off just feels safer because it's familiar, not because it's actually protecting you from anything real
She didn't have a response for that one, setting the phone aside and staring at the ceiling instead, Barnaby -- on Lucas's custody days now, per the reinstated separate schedule -- absent from her side for the first time in what felt like ages, the apartment quieter and colder without either of them in it.
The days that followed settled into something colder than either of them had experienced since the earliest, most hostile week of knowing each other. Mia stopped responding to anything beyond the strict logistics of Barnaby's care -- confirming pickup times in single, clipped texts, never elaborating, never asking how Lucas's day had gone the way she'd once done without thinking. When he tried, twice, to leave small gestures the way he used to -- a bag of her favorite coffee, a folded note about Barnaby's improved appetite -- she accepted them with polite, distant gratitude and nothing more, careful never to let the exchange stretch long enough to become an actual conversation.
She recognized the pattern in herself, distantly, with the specific, unhappy clarity of watching an old, familiar defense mechanism reassert itself after weeks of dormancy. This was exactly what she'd done after Julian -- not screaming, not crying, just a slow, methodical withdrawal into politeness so complete it left no room for anyone to get close enough to hurt her again. She hated recognizing it in herself. She didn't know how to stop doing it anyway.
Priya called daily, increasingly frustrated by the flat, unconvincing reassurances she kept receiving in return.
"You're doing the thing," Priya said, on the fourth day, without preamble.
"What thing."
"The thing where you decide distance is safer than actually working through something, and then you just disappear into politeness so nobody can tell you're actually falling apart underneath it. I can hear it in your voice, Mia. You do this exact voice when you're not okay."
"I'm fine."
"That's the voice. Right there. That's the fine voice." Priya's tone softened, worry breaking through the exasperation. "I'm not trying to push you into anything you're not ready for. I just don't want you to disappear the way you did after Julian. That took you almost a year to come back from, and I don't want to watch you do that again over someone who, from everything you've told me, actually seems to be trying."
"This isn't the same."
"Maybe not. But it's starting to look a little familiar from where I'm standing." Priya let the silence sit a moment before continuing, gentler now. "You don't have to forgive him today. You don't even have to decide anything today. Just don't go so far into the ice that you can't find your way back out when you're ready to."
Mia didn't have a response for that, mostly because she suspected it was already too late, some cold, protective mechanism in her already calculating exactly how much distance would be required to feel safe again, and whether that distance had a ceiling or simply kept extending the longer she stayed inside it. She thanked Priya for calling, said goodbye with more warmth than the conversation had otherwise carried, and sat with the phone in her lap long after the call ended, staring at nothing in particular, unable to shake the uncomfortable accuracy of everything her best friend had just said.
Lucas, on his end, tried what small bridges he could think of. He left Barnaby with her an extra hour one evening, hoping the cat's presence might soften the silence between them. He texted updates about clinic cases that had nothing to do with either of them, the kind of small, ordinary sharing that had once come easily and now felt, on both sides, like reaching across a widening gap with increasingly uncertain footing. Mia answered these messages, when she answered them at all, with brief, pleasant replies that closed the conversation as quickly as they opened it, never unkind, never warm either.
By the sixth day, she'd stopped waiting for his knock at seven, leaving Barnaby's carrier by the door instead with a note listing his feeding schedule, sparing them both the brief, aching ritual of face-to-face exchange entirely. Lucas took the hint without comment, picking up and returning the carrier in near-total silence, the easy, comfortable rhythm they'd built over weeks reduced now to the cold, efficient mechanics of a co-parenting arrangement stripped of everything that had once made it feel like more than logistics.
Lucas, on his end, tried what small bridges he could think of, though each attempt landed with less and less warmth than the last. He left Barnaby with her an extra hour one evening, hoping the cat's presence might soften the silence between them, and retrieved him an hour later with nothing more than a polite nod exchanged at the door. He texted updates about clinic cases that had nothing to do with either of them, the kind of small, ordinary sharing that had once come easily and now felt, on both sides, like reaching across a widening gap with increasingly uncertain footing. Mia answered these messages, when she answered them at all, with brief, pleasant replies that closed the conversation as quickly as they opened it, never unkind, never warm either.
He tried, once, to explain himself more fully in a text he spent nearly an hour drafting and redrafting, terrified of getting the wording wrong and making everything worse.
LUCAS: I've been thinking about what happened, and about Biscuit, and about how much of my reaction that night actually had nothing to do with you. I don't expect that to fix anything. I just wanted you to have it, in case it helps.
She read the message three times and didn't respond at all, not out of cruelty but out of a fear she couldn't quite name -- that responding meant reopening a door she'd only just managed to close, and that if she opened it even a crack, she wouldn't have the strength to close it again if things went wrong a second time.
That night, alone, staring at her ceiling with Barnaby curled against her side on one of his scheduled evenings at her apartment, Mia found herself drafting a message she hadn't fully decided to send, her thumb hovering over the screen for a long, uncertain while. The apartment around her felt strange in its stillness, none of the low hum of anticipation that used to accompany the hours before Lucas's evening visit, just the quiet, steady sound of Barnaby's breathing and her own thoughts circling without resolution.
MIA: I think we should go back to the original arrangement. Separate feedings, separate days. It's cleaner. Easier for both of us.
She read it back three times, the specific, careful finality of it landing heavier than she'd expected once it was actually typed out in front of her, a formal, deliberate step back from everything they'd built together over the past month, disguised as nothing more than scheduling logistics. Somewhere underneath the careful, clinical wording, she recognized exactly what she was actually doing -- not simplifying a schedule, but building a wall brick by administrative brick, using logistics as the mortar because logistics felt safer than admitting, even to herself, how much she still wanted the opposite of distance.
She didn't send it. Not yet. But she didn't delete it either, letting it sit in her drafts overnight, unresolved, a quiet, waiting verdict she wasn't yet sure she was ready to deliver.
She thought, staring at the ceiling long after Barnaby had fallen asleep against her side, about how easy it had once felt to let Lucas Vance into the small, cluttered chaos of her life, and how quickly her body had apparently decided to start protecting itself again the moment that ease had been interrupted by pain, regardless of how good his intentions had ultimately turned out to be. She didn't know yet whether that instinct was wisdom or simply an old wound reasserting old habits. She only knew that for the first time in weeks, the apartment felt too quiet, and the quiet felt, increasingly, like something she'd chosen rather than something that had happened to her.
Lucas, meanwhile, kept busy at the clinic with the specific, desperate focus of a man trying to outrun a feeling by refusing to sit still long enough to feel it. He picked up two extra shifts that week, stayed late even on days without extra shifts, reorganized his supply closet twice for no reason he could adequately explain to his confused colleagues. Structure, his oldest and most reliable coping mechanism, offered less comfort than usual, the specific quiet of his apartment in the evenings amplifying rather than soothing the growing ache of Mia's absence from his days.
His colleague Denise, who ran the pet supply shop two blocks from the clinic, noticed the change immediately when he came in for Barnaby's food, his usual brief pleasantries replaced by something flatter, more distracted, his shoulders carrying a tension she'd never once seen on him in three years of selling him kibble.
"You look terrible," she said, with the blunt affection of someone who'd known him for years and had earned the right to say so plainly. "Trouble with the neighbor?"
"I don't want to discuss it, honestly."
"That's basically a yes, isn't it." She rang up his items without further comment, though her expression softened with something like sympathy. "For what it's worth, whatever happened, most things worth having are worth the discomfort of trying to fix them properly instead of just retreating into separate corners and calling it peace."
Lucas didn't respond to that, mostly because he suspected she was right and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to admit it out loud in the middle of a pet store on a Tuesday afternoon. He drove home with the bag on the passenger seat, glancing at it twice at red lights, remembering another version of himself from just a month earlier who'd stood in this exact aisle deliberating over a bag of coffee for reasons he could no longer pretend not to understand, and wondering whether that version of himself would have known what to do differently this time.
He tried, once, to explain himself more fully in a text he spent nearly an hour drafting and redrafting, terrified of getting the wording wrong and making everything worse.
LUCAS: I've been thinking about what happened, and about Biscuit, and about how much of my reaction that night actually had nothing to do with you. I don't expect that to fix anything. I just wanted you to have it, in case it helps.
She read the message three times and didn't respond at all, not out of cruelty but out of a fear she couldn't quite name -- that responding meant reopening a door she'd only just managed to close, and that if she opened it even a crack, she wouldn't have the strength to close it again if things went wrong a second time.
She thought, too, about the specific shape of the fear underneath all of it -- not that Lucas would hurt her again on purpose, exactly, but that she'd let herself become someone who needed him, who'd built her days around his knock at seven and his careful, overthought gestures, who'd started measuring her own life partly by how it looked reflected back through his attention. Julian had taught her that needing someone that much was dangerous, that it handed them power to reshape her without her even noticing the reshaping happening. She'd promised herself, after him, that she'd never again let another person's opinion of her matter enough to bend her out of her own shape.
And yet here she was, aching over a man's absence from her days, replaying a single sentence he'd said in fear and exhaustion as though it had rewritten everything true about her all over again. She hated how quickly the old fear had resurfaced. She hated more how much she still wanted, despite everything, to hear his knock at the door at seven each morning.
Somewhere around midnight on the fifth day, unable to sleep, she opened her sketchbook -- the one Lucas had given her, the one she'd been filling steadily for weeks with private, unshown drawings -- and found herself, without quite deciding to, sketching the two of them on the park bench from their Saturday outing, Barnaby rolling in the grass nearby, the specific, easy warmth of that ordinary afternoon rendered in quick, careful lines. She stared at the finished sketch for a long while, aching at how happy they both looked, how uncomplicated the joy had seemed just days before everything had cracked.
She didn't tear the page out. She didn't add to it either. She simply closed the sketchbook, set it aside, and lay back down, unable yet to decide whether the ache she felt looking at it was grief for something already lost or simply the discomfort of admitting, even to herself in private, how much she still wanted it back, and how frightened she was of what wanting it that much might eventually cost her if she let herself have it again. Outside her window, the building sat quiet, both apartments dark, two people lying awake on opposite sides of the same thin wall, neither one quite ready yet to be the one who reached across it first.
You've reached the end of this chapter
Three days passed before Lucas came by again in person, having respected Mia's need for space with a discipline that felt, to her, almost more painful than if he'd simply pushed. In those three days, the apartment building had settled into a strange, muted version of itself -- no wind chime clinking outside a balcony door, no impromptu dinners, no easy footsteps crossing the hallway at odd hours, no cat wandering freely between the two apartments the way he'd once done without asking permission from anyone. Mia noticed the absence everywhere, in the too-quiet mornings, in the coffee she now made only for herself, in the specific hollowness of a home that had, without her quite realizing it, expanded to include another person's presence and had now contracted painfully back to just her own. He knocked at seven, on schedule for the feeding rotation they'd built together weeks earlier, and Mia opened the door only a few inches, Barnaby already gathered in her arms, the handoff clearly planned to take no more than a few seconds.
"Hey," Lucas said, careful, searching what little of her face he could see through the narrow gap in the doorway. "How are you doing?"
"Fine." The word came out flat, deliberately so, a wall constructed entirely out of a single syllable, nothing more offered behind it. "Here he is. He's eaten already, so that's taken care of."
"Thank you." Lucas took the carrier from her, his fingers brushing hers briefly at the handle, and she withdrew her hand almost immediately, before the contact registered, quick and clean, no lingering. "Mia, can we talk? Actually talk, not just the handoff, please."
"I don't think there's anything to talk about." Her voice had gone smooth, pleasant, entirely unreadable, the specific, practiced calm of someone who had learned, a long time ago, that going quiet was safer than staying breakable in front of someone who might hurt her again. "You explained yourself. I heard you. There's nothing else that needs saying."
"That's not true, and you know it isn't."
"It's true enough for right now." She began to close the door, and he caught it gently, not forcing it open, just holding it a moment longer than she wanted, his expression carrying a quiet desperation he rarely allowed himself to show.
"Please. I know I hurt you. I'm not trying to pretend I didn't. I just don't want to lose whatever this was over one bad night." His voice had dropped, rougher than his usual measured tone, the careful composure he wore like armor cracking visibly at the edges, some rawer version of him showing through for just a moment before he caught himself and pulled it back into something steadier.
"I'm not trying to punish you, Lucas." Her voice was still even, still careful, giving away nothing. "I just don't have it in me right now to keep having this conversation. I need to focus on my work. I have a deadline."
It wasn't entirely a lie. It also wasn't the whole truth, and both of them seemed to sense the gap between the two without either of them naming it directly.
"Okay," he said finally, releasing the door. "I'll see you at the next feeding."
"Sure." She closed the door before he'd fully turned away, and stood in her entryway for a long moment afterward, Barnaby's absence from her arms leaving them oddly, unpleasantly empty, refusing to let herself examine the ache spreading slowly through her chest.
She went back to her drafting table afterward, determined to lose herself in work the way she always had before Lucas Vance had complicated the simple, self-sufficient rhythm of her days, but found the fox illustration blurring in front of her, her concentration fractured by the specific, persistent replay of his voice through the narrow gap in her door -- please, I don't want to lose whatever this was. She'd meant every word of her own careful deflection. She hadn't expected it to cost quite this much to say.
She texted Priya that night, unable to sit with the ache alone any longer.
MIA: I think I just closed a door on him. Not officially. But it felt official.
PRIYA: are you okay
MIA: I don't know. I don't think so. But I also don't know how to be anything other than careful right now
PRIYA: careful and closed off aren't always the same thing, mia. sometimes closed off just feels safer because it's familiar, not because it's actually protecting you from anything real
She didn't have a response for that one, setting the phone aside and staring at the ceiling instead, Barnaby -- on Lucas's custody days now, per the reinstated separate schedule -- absent from her side for the first time in what felt like ages, the apartment quieter and colder without either of them in it.
The days that followed settled into something colder than either of them had experienced since the earliest, most hostile week of knowing each other. Mia stopped responding to anything beyond the strict logistics of Barnaby's care -- confirming pickup times in single, clipped texts, never elaborating, never asking how Lucas's day had gone the way she'd once done without thinking. When he tried, twice, to leave small gestures the way he used to -- a bag of her favorite coffee, a folded note about Barnaby's improved appetite -- she accepted them with polite, distant gratitude and nothing more, careful never to let the exchange stretch long enough to become an actual conversation.
She recognized the pattern in herself, distantly, with the specific, unhappy clarity of watching an old, familiar defense mechanism reassert itself after weeks of dormancy. This was exactly what she'd done after Julian -- not screaming, not crying, just a slow, methodical withdrawal into politeness so complete it left no room for anyone to get close enough to hurt her again. She hated recognizing it in herself. She didn't know how to stop doing it anyway.
Priya called daily, increasingly frustrated by the flat, unconvincing reassurances she kept receiving in return.
"You're doing the thing," Priya said, on the fourth day, without preamble.
"What thing."
"The thing where you decide distance is safer than actually working through something, and then you just disappear into politeness so nobody can tell you're actually falling apart underneath it. I can hear it in your voice, Mia. You do this exact voice when you're not okay."
"I'm fine."
"That's the voice. Right there. That's the fine voice." Priya's tone softened, worry breaking through the exasperation. "I'm not trying to push you into anything you're not ready for. I just don't want you to disappear the way you did after Julian. That took you almost a year to come back from, and I don't want to watch you do that again over someone who, from everything you've told me, actually seems to be trying."
"This isn't the same."
"Maybe not. But it's starting to look a little familiar from where I'm standing." Priya let the silence sit a moment before continuing, gentler now. "You don't have to forgive him today. You don't even have to decide anything today. Just don't go so far into the ice that you can't find your way back out when you're ready to."
Mia didn't have a response for that, mostly because she suspected it was already too late, some cold, protective mechanism in her already calculating exactly how much distance would be required to feel safe again, and whether that distance had a ceiling or simply kept extending the longer she stayed inside it. She thanked Priya for calling, said goodbye with more warmth than the conversation had otherwise carried, and sat with the phone in her lap long after the call ended, staring at nothing in particular, unable to shake the uncomfortable accuracy of everything her best friend had just said.
Lucas, on his end, tried what small bridges he could think of. He left Barnaby with her an extra hour one evening, hoping the cat's presence might soften the silence between them. He texted updates about clinic cases that had nothing to do with either of them, the kind of small, ordinary sharing that had once come easily and now felt, on both sides, like reaching across a widening gap with increasingly uncertain footing. Mia answered these messages, when she answered them at all, with brief, pleasant replies that closed the conversation as quickly as they opened it, never unkind, never warm either.
By the sixth day, she'd stopped waiting for his knock at seven, leaving Barnaby's carrier by the door instead with a note listing his feeding schedule, sparing them both the brief, aching ritual of face-to-face exchange entirely. Lucas took the hint without comment, picking up and returning the carrier in near-total silence, the easy, comfortable rhythm they'd built over weeks reduced now to the cold, efficient mechanics of a co-parenting arrangement stripped of everything that had once made it feel like more than logistics.
Lucas, on his end, tried what small bridges he could think of, though each attempt landed with less and less warmth than the last. He left Barnaby with her an extra hour one evening, hoping the cat's presence might soften the silence between them, and retrieved him an hour later with nothing more than a polite nod exchanged at the door. He texted updates about clinic cases that had nothing to do with either of them, the kind of small, ordinary sharing that had once come easily and now felt, on both sides, like reaching across a widening gap with increasingly uncertain footing. Mia answered these messages, when she answered them at all, with brief, pleasant replies that closed the conversation as quickly as they opened it, never unkind, never warm either.
He tried, once, to explain himself more fully in a text he spent nearly an hour drafting and redrafting, terrified of getting the wording wrong and making everything worse.
LUCAS: I've been thinking about what happened, and about Biscuit, and about how much of my reaction that night actually had nothing to do with you. I don't expect that to fix anything. I just wanted you to have it, in case it helps.
She read the message three times and didn't respond at all, not out of cruelty but out of a fear she couldn't quite name -- that responding meant reopening a door she'd only just managed to close, and that if she opened it even a crack, she wouldn't have the strength to close it again if things went wrong a second time.
That night, alone, staring at her ceiling with Barnaby curled against her side on one of his scheduled evenings at her apartment, Mia found herself drafting a message she hadn't fully decided to send, her thumb hovering over the screen for a long, uncertain while. The apartment around her felt strange in its stillness, none of the low hum of anticipation that used to accompany the hours before Lucas's evening visit, just the quiet, steady sound of Barnaby's breathing and her own thoughts circling without resolution.
MIA: I think we should go back to the original arrangement. Separate feedings, separate days. It's cleaner. Easier for both of us.
She read it back three times, the specific, careful finality of it landing heavier than she'd expected once it was actually typed out in front of her, a formal, deliberate step back from everything they'd built together over the past month, disguised as nothing more than scheduling logistics. Somewhere underneath the careful, clinical wording, she recognized exactly what she was actually doing -- not simplifying a schedule, but building a wall brick by administrative brick, using logistics as the mortar because logistics felt safer than admitting, even to herself, how much she still wanted the opposite of distance.
She didn't send it. Not yet. But she didn't delete it either, letting it sit in her drafts overnight, unresolved, a quiet, waiting verdict she wasn't yet sure she was ready to deliver.
She thought, staring at the ceiling long after Barnaby had fallen asleep against her side, about how easy it had once felt to let Lucas Vance into the small, cluttered chaos of her life, and how quickly her body had apparently decided to start protecting itself again the moment that ease had been interrupted by pain, regardless of how good his intentions had ultimately turned out to be. She didn't know yet whether that instinct was wisdom or simply an old wound reasserting old habits. She only knew that for the first time in weeks, the apartment felt too quiet, and the quiet felt, increasingly, like something she'd chosen rather than something that had happened to her.
Lucas, meanwhile, kept busy at the clinic with the specific, desperate focus of a man trying to outrun a feeling by refusing to sit still long enough to feel it. He picked up two extra shifts that week, stayed late even on days without extra shifts, reorganized his supply closet twice for no reason he could adequately explain to his confused colleagues. Structure, his oldest and most reliable coping mechanism, offered less comfort than usual, the specific quiet of his apartment in the evenings amplifying rather than soothing the growing ache of Mia's absence from his days.
His colleague Denise, who ran the pet supply shop two blocks from the clinic, noticed the change immediately when he came in for Barnaby's food, his usual brief pleasantries replaced by something flatter, more distracted, his shoulders carrying a tension she'd never once seen on him in three years of selling him kibble.
"You look terrible," she said, with the blunt affection of someone who'd known him for years and had earned the right to say so plainly. "Trouble with the neighbor?"
"I don't want to discuss it, honestly."
"That's basically a yes, isn't it." She rang up his items without further comment, though her expression softened with something like sympathy. "For what it's worth, whatever happened, most things worth having are worth the discomfort of trying to fix them properly instead of just retreating into separate corners and calling it peace."
Lucas didn't respond to that, mostly because he suspected she was right and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to admit it out loud in the middle of a pet store on a Tuesday afternoon. He drove home with the bag on the passenger seat, glancing at it twice at red lights, remembering another version of himself from just a month earlier who'd stood in this exact aisle deliberating over a bag of coffee for reasons he could no longer pretend not to understand, and wondering whether that version of himself would have known what to do differently this time.
He tried, once, to explain himself more fully in a text he spent nearly an hour drafting and redrafting, terrified of getting the wording wrong and making everything worse.
LUCAS: I've been thinking about what happened, and about Biscuit, and about how much of my reaction that night actually had nothing to do with you. I don't expect that to fix anything. I just wanted you to have it, in case it helps.
She read the message three times and didn't respond at all, not out of cruelty but out of a fear she couldn't quite name -- that responding meant reopening a door she'd only just managed to close, and that if she opened it even a crack, she wouldn't have the strength to close it again if things went wrong a second time.
She thought, too, about the specific shape of the fear underneath all of it -- not that Lucas would hurt her again on purpose, exactly, but that she'd let herself become someone who needed him, who'd built her days around his knock at seven and his careful, overthought gestures, who'd started measuring her own life partly by how it looked reflected back through his attention. Julian had taught her that needing someone that much was dangerous, that it handed them power to reshape her without her even noticing the reshaping happening. She'd promised herself, after him, that she'd never again let another person's opinion of her matter enough to bend her out of her own shape.
And yet here she was, aching over a man's absence from her days, replaying a single sentence he'd said in fear and exhaustion as though it had rewritten everything true about her all over again. She hated how quickly the old fear had resurfaced. She hated more how much she still wanted, despite everything, to hear his knock at the door at seven each morning.
Somewhere around midnight on the fifth day, unable to sleep, she opened her sketchbook -- the one Lucas had given her, the one she'd been filling steadily for weeks with private, unshown drawings -- and found herself, without quite deciding to, sketching the two of them on the park bench from their Saturday outing, Barnaby rolling in the grass nearby, the specific, easy warmth of that ordinary afternoon rendered in quick, careful lines. She stared at the finished sketch for a long while, aching at how happy they both looked, how uncomplicated the joy had seemed just days before everything had cracked.
She didn't tear the page out. She didn't add to it either. She simply closed the sketchbook, set it aside, and lay back down, unable yet to decide whether the ache she felt looking at it was grief for something already lost or simply the discomfort of admitting, even to herself in private, how much she still wanted it back, and how frightened she was of what wanting it that much might eventually cost her if she let herself have it again. Outside her window, the building sat quiet, both apartments dark, two people lying awake on opposite sides of the same thin wall, neither one quite ready yet to be the one who reached across it first.
You've reached the end of this chapter